23 Nos (and Counting) – How to Power Through Rejection

Crickets.

It’s been awhile since my last post. Seven weeks, actually. Some of you may be wondering what’s going on. No news is probably … bad news, right?

I have a former colleague who sent me an email some time ago that began: “I read your blog anxiously.” Whenever I think of that email I emphasize that last word in my head. I read your blog anxiously. And then I smile. Even though anxiety is the opposite of what I want this blog to inspire, for some reason I found his sentiment both supportive and amusing. Perhaps because progress on Resolution #1: Find an Amazing Agent had altogether stalled, and I was beginning to crack up under the waiting.

The Rejection Cycle Begins

What have I been up to since early February, you may wonder.

Collecting twenty-two rejections for my manuscript.

Fun fact: that’s two more rejections than months I’ve been at this full time writer thing.

Twenty-two rejections.

Scratch that. Twenty-three rejections. I got another one during the week it took me to finish this post.

I actually hadn’t counted them until just now. I’d just added a date and a couple of notes to my submission spreadsheet whenever I got another “this isn’t right for me but publishing is subjective so keep on trying” email. Then I moved on and tried to forget that had just happened.

Turns out it happened a lot.

Paying My Dues?

So here’s the thing. Rejection is inevitable in life. It’s particular inevitable in publishing. I knew that, going into this. I knew that for the nearly two decades I chose responsible, traditional jobs instead of what I really loved.

Last December, while we’d taken a break from Christmas shopping to grab lunch at Friendly’s, my mother told me that JK Rowling once lived in her car, which I don’t think is true. Awful as that sounds, it was meant supportively, the gist of the conversation that followed being, “I’m proud of you, and your father and I would never let you live in a car.” All with the subtext that JK Rowling got rejected a lot, and think of how rich and famous she is now.

Not many people know this, but I actually submitted Phoenix Falling to a few agents before this recent endeavor. It was years ago, pre-pandemic, back when I thought my beloved book was finally ready for the world to see it. (It was not AT ALL ready for the world to see it.) I don’t even have the list of who I sent it to, thanks to that fun time I wiped my entire computer. I got a few form rejections, I think, but mostly I heard nothing, which is what I’d come to expect from the publishing industry. Send the painstakingly crafted literary incarnation of your soul into a void and wait for an answer you may well never receive. What a fun future I’ve chosen for myself. Maybe this is why famous writers are notorious drunks.

So honestly, when I first started getting “no’s” I felt rather accomplished. At least it was an acknowledgement. I could check an opportunity off my list and move on to the next one. A high rejection count might one day be a badge of honor. Maybe someday an aspiring writer will sit in a booth at Friendly’s and listen to their mother tell them that Amy Miller once lived in her car. That will also be untrue. But it might be true that she collected more than 100 rejections before someone took a chance on her, and now Phoenix Falling is the next Harry Potter, and don’t those 100+ agents and editors who rejected her feel stupid now.

Here’s the thing though. On this side of the story, 100+ rejections sounds exhausting, especially if I’m only a quarter of the way. Okay, maybe a quarter of the way sounds a little better. But what if there are 200+ rejections? Then I’m only an eighth of the way there.

You know what’s also hard? The next day rejection. MY QUERY IS SUPPOSED TO FLOAT IN THE VOID FOR MONTHS BEFORE AN AGENT SAYS NO THANKS!!! That’s what the internet seems to think, anyway. There’s something extremely disheartening about getting a no the very next day. Like, let me at least pretend this might go well for at least a week or two before shutting me down.

I don’t actually mean that. Maybe? Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m a little on the fence about false hope at this point in time.

What Does One Say When Things Go Wrong?

Part of the reason I’ve been quiet for the past seven weeks is I wasn’t sure what to say. I did know this was coming. There is a reason prospective writers call it the “querying trenches”–because breaking into publishing is like navigating a warzone, so think twice before you enlist. Still, most writers probably hope they’re the exception. We all want the success of JK Rowling without the struggle.

I’d like to assure you that you don’t have to be anxious on my behalf. I have not fallen into some deep depression. I still put on business casual clothes and walk to my coworking space every day. I brush my hair and everything.

The other part of the reason I’ve been so quiet is while my novel’s on submission I’ve been focused on launching Amy Miller Writing Services so that I can pick up enough freelance writing work to pay my bills and prevent a return to my old career. I’ve learned a lot of random stuff about a lot of random topics. Have you gotten your water tested lately? Because you really should! Did you know that cemeteries need custom software? I can tell you all about it. Also, I can now give you many detailed recommendations of the best places to get married in the Greater Philadelphia Area and I know a wonderful photographer.

So I’ve been keeping busy, focused on the second of my resolutions for the year – to become financially solvent. Which, despite all my new knowledge, wasn’t going awesome, to be honest. I was watching my bank balance tick lower and lower, wondering how to access some of the funds I had tucked away in the currently tanking stock market that I didn’t really want to access while said market was tanking.

What’s there to say about rejection, I wondered, that would be encouraging or motivating instead of a big downer? Because the truth was that sometimes I’d get a rejection email in my inbox and be absolutely fine, and other days another email would make me want to cry. And sometimes I’d tear up a little, and other times I didn’t. Some days I was discouraged, and a lot of days I was just numb, and I’m not sure if that’s better or worse, honestly. Because eventually I just started to assume that every query response was going to be a no, which is easier to cope with emotionally, I guess, but it’s also sad because who wants to live always assuming disappointment? (Besides MJ from Spider-Man: No Way Home, I guess, but everyone is wrecked by the end of that movie so probably that’s not the best place to take advice about healthy emotional responses.)

This is Just a Midpoint Turn

But then I started to think about the basic conceit of this blog. What if our lives were more like a hero’s journey? Well. A hero’s journey is HARD. And we want it to be hard. Otherwise it’s boring. If JK Rowling had sent Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone to one agent who immediately called her up and told her that the book was going to be a smashing success and he’d have it sold by the weekend, then no one’s mother would be telling an exaggerated version of that story over a couple of sourdough melts at Friendly’s. (We didn’t even have ice cream. At Friendly’s. That’s clearly the saddest part of this whole tale.) And honestly, even though Harry Potter would still probably be a crazy success, writers would probably be kind of mad about it.

We’re annoyed when people’s lives seem too easy, which is not a very flattering aspect of human nature to be honest but it is what it is. And up until I hit this wall of rejections, my life since I quit my job was going great. Sure, there was a ton of garbage up until the point I left. The stress and the lack of purpose and the CATASTROPHIC DATA FAILURE that was MY OWN DANG FAULT. But from the moment I told everyone what I was going to do, life was all sunshine and roses. No one even told me I was dumb for leaving a stable job with no intentions to make any money for the foreseeable future!

According to Jessica Brody’s Save the Cat formula, after the hero of a novel has made a big change, they enter a portion of the story that she calls “Fun and Games.” It’s the meat of the book, the premise promised by the enticing marketing prose on the back cover or it’s Amazon page. Katniss has to fight a bunch of starving kids in a televised reality deathmatch! Harry goes to wizard school! While there’s ups and downs in every story, there’s two main ways this can play out. Things can go mostly great for awhile, or things can go mostly terrible, but when the hero gets to the middle of the book, that trend needs to switch.

My life after quitting my job was SUPER FUN. That meant I was in for a rough midpoint turn, a false defeat, and a rocky “Bad Guys Close In” wind down to Act 3. My bad guys were self-doubt, rejection, a pile of bills, and a shrinking bank balance. For the first time in my journey, they were definitely looming.

The Only Way Out is Through

What was I supposed to say about that? What was I supposed to do?

For a hero, the only choice is to keep going. The only way out is through. There’s no going back to their life before they started their journey. Even though I tried to give myself an out when I started my “sabbatical” by saying I could always return to my old job or my old industry, it became abundantly clear very quickly that I did not want to return to my Act 1 world.

Struggle is inherent to anything worth doing. It sucks and it’s hard and I don’t like it and none of that matters. I don’t know why life is like this, but it is. Look at fiction, look at your favorite Netflix series, look at history. It gets worse before it gets better. To get better, you have to keep on going.

Then sometimes, when you least expect it, there’s a plot twist.

I really hope I can tell you about this plot twist in my next post, friends. Honestly my mind is still a little blown. Let’s just say that I’m in the process of locking down something that has a high probability of achieving my third resolution – to Inspire Others to Change Their Lives – in a crazy big way that I could never have imagined. While also probably managing financial solvency as well.

I Believe In You

So what’s my advice to anyone trying to change their life, to rewrite their story? To someone who’s watching the bad guys close in, feeling stuck, coping with rejection?

Keep going. Just keep going. Every hero faces obstacles on their quest. No one reads about the people that turn back.

Ok, yeah, you might say, with newfound skepticism bred in the bog of your current despair. How do I do that?

Here’s a few suggestions that have worked for me.

Pick a Song to Pump You Up

I’ve always found music very evocative. It’s easy for me to find songs to reflect my current angst and wallow in them. Now is not the time for that! Find something motivating, and start your day with a singalong.

My current favorite is Heartbreak Feels So Good by Fall Out Boy, because that band reminds me of being in high school when my problems were trivial but felt earth shattering, and the song’s a banger with some surprisingly motivational lyrics. “We could cry a little. Cry a lot. Don’t stop dancing. Don’t dare stop.” Yes, sirs. This is the anthem for my querying journey, even though heartbreak actually feels terrible.

Another recent favorite is “I Ain’t Worried” by One Republic. Because clearly I’ve always wanted to play football at the beach with Tom Cruise and a bunch of much younger people. Also, “I ain’t worried ’bout it right now” will be stuck in your head forever after you watch the video below and I’m not at all sorry. Listen to that song before you check your online banking. You’re welcome.

Lean Hard on Humor

Laughter is the best medicine, according to some anonymous cliché but also my personal experience. Two careers ago, when a dear coworker was having a bad day, I’d send her an absolutely awful photo she’d taken of me that I knew would make her laugh. It always worked. At least for a little while she’d forget about her current problem.

Think of what makes you laugh, and cling to that when you need to. Maybe it’s a favorite series you can binge, or a go-to comedy to watch over and over.

Or, you know, cat videos on the internet. To be honest, I’m a terrible millennial who rarely has time for that, but a friend sent me this video when I was in the start of my funk and I shared it with my whole family and watched it so many times. I snicker just thinking about it. May this video also get you through your hard times.

But seriously – or not seriously – humor can snap you out of sadness, so if you’ve had a rough day, find something external to improve your mood.

Study the Art of Rejection

At my first Global Leadership Summit, one of the speakers was Jia Jiang, who spoke about how to not just handle rejection, but to learn from it. Even though I was still a few years from seriously sending my book out on submission, I knew this would be a helpful lesson, so I read his book Rejection Proof and also watched his 100 Days of Rejection videos. If you’re at least as old as I am, you may have seen the video where he asked an employee at Krispy Kreme to make him a custom donut in the shape of Olympic Rings, certain his ridiculous request would be denied – and she did it! It went viral about ten years ago. I feel older just typing that sentence.

If you’re facing a lot of rejection and struggling to cope, I suggest getting some tips from Jia on how to understand rejection, learn from it, overcome your fear, and set the stage for a future yes.

To be honest, I usually read self-help books, underline a lot of interesting stuff, and then forget just about everything. The part of Rejection Proof that stuck with me is that in most cases, rejection is more about the other person and what they need–or don’t–than about you. Rejection feels very personal, but it’s usually not. That’s absolutely the case when you’re trying to find a literary agent–as many of the kind but cookie-cutter rejection emails pointed out. Agents receive hundreds upon hundreds of unsolicited queries every month, and can take on maybe a handful of new clients a year. It’s not that my book isn’t right. It truly is that my book isn’t right for them.

Whatever you’re trying to achieve, that may be the case as well.

Keep on Keeping On

So what’s the point of this melancholy, rambling post? I have not disappeared off the face of the Earth. I am busy, and occasionally sad, but mostly fine. Hopefully, very soon, I will be outstanding.

If you’re facing rejection of your own, I know that it hurts, and I know that it sucks. Or maybe you’ve gone numb, and that’s fine too. It might feel like a wall standing between you and your goal, or a fog of uncertainty that you can’t see beyond. But you can chip away at the wall, or forge forward anyway. Maybe you just need a headlamp, or a sledgehammer. I believe in you.

Be kind to yourself. Do something you enjoy. Laugh. Belt out your favorite song at the top of your lungs. Lean on your support group. Cry if you need to, but don’t dare stop.

And keep you eyes open for the plot twist.